Do-Be, Do-Be, Do-Be

Sunset Walk, El Prado, NM

Roxy on her Sunset Walk, El Prado, NM

Today’s post comes after sunset.  It’s been a long day, on the road, traveling back to Taos from business in Albuquerque.  About 130 miles, through the high mountain desert, the highways pass through eight Native American pueblos.  I am pulled to the city at times – the people, the work, the opportunities, and I entertain leaving Taos.  But as soon as I hit a certain stretch of the canyon road – the last miles of Rio Arriba before the Taos County border, I shake my head at how I could entertain leaving Taos.

My car had to be dropped off in Taos for a costly repair.  Why is it that these repairs, and other unforeseen expenses like costly dental work, always seem to hit in December, when the budgets are the tightest?

My boyfriend drove me back home and left for his evening shift.  I had time for a short walk with Roxy at sunset.The air was frigid, but the wind was still. Everything was still. December light is soft, a feathery pink cast to the sky.

I dropped into the quiet.  A phrase from Will Howard’s poem that I posted yesterday came to me:  “expecting nothing”. He was speaking of Mary at prayer, expecting the child Jesus.

How difficult and challenging it is to “expect nothing”.  How liberating, too.

It reminds me of a graphic poster I saw on Facebook this weekend: “Relax. Nothing is under control.”

So many of us try so hard at this time of year. We show up for families, loved ones, friends.  We try to find the perfect gift, decorate the home with warmth and festivity. Along with all the social to-do’s, we go inside – to pray, meditate and prepare.  It’s letting go of the to-do and entering into the to-be.

On Road to Monastery

On road to Christ in the Desert monastery

I have found it almost impossible to “expect nothing”. Even when I consciously work at not having expectations, I carry them – subconsciously.  I work again and again at “letting go and letting God”… and again and again, I find the strings I have attached to my giving.

To expect nothing is hard work. It demands staying in the present moment.

When I walk out in the snowy desert sagebrush, and watch the light gently shift and glow, then recede – I expect. I expect the night, and the morning to follow.  But for a moment, the moment, before I get lost in the next thought… I am there, held by the light – receiving – and yes, for a moment, expecting nothing. No doing, just being.

Glow on Western Horizon

Glow on Western Horizon

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